dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
