that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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