I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
This is the high leading the old right now
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
