I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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