you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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