jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
