i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
