For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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