Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
