You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
