Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
