I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
