I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Randomize