He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
