im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
