i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
