yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
