Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
