According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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