you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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