just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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