i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
