I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Is her dick bigger than yours?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
