i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
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