i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
