In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
