I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
