1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
