ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
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Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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