I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
