I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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