What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
