3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
