I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
