I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
