Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
