Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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