walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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