I can tuck mytits in my pants
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
