he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
