totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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