please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
