i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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