thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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