singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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