I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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