just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
