there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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