ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
