I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
