i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
