A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
